solitude

as the night fall to late night and the moon rise higher over the horizon, we start a conversation. it just another talk as usual, starts with laughter and then i ask you about your plan in future. i might not a good joker after all to you since we've been together as lover. not the same person that makes you laughs and laughs over since our beginning as friend. but i guess you don't mind anyway, because it not just about me that we talk about, but it's your plan in the future and mine. we talk over and once a while we laugh for a small joke. while we talk i always try to show you that i'm tough to overcome my sadness about us being separated not as lover anymore but friend. (well, at least last night i was stronger, but it fades in this morning as i wrote down these lines). i want to break down and cry but all i wish to do is to be a man that shows his strength to carry on life, although as for me life is ended as soon as our relationship is done. since i've realize and since we've talk about our plan and future to go, it seems that we didn't in the same track of life. that plan although broken and that dream might not ever become true didn't hurt me the most but about what did you said, that maybe our time and place has come that we must choose each of our own way separate. i'm not realizing that our relationship has to and ends as soon as this. i even think that maybe you're the one that will be on my side when i grow old and barely alone. still i hope that dream came true. i hope you know and realize that what i said last night is true, that i still in love with you and cares you and i hopes that we can be one once again. but i guess i can't change your mind anymore but to make up with your decision. yes, i still love you although we must come to our own way separated life. maybe this couple of days i try to make you changes it, but i guess i must give up trying as i might hurts you by pushing you around. i try to play tunes out of my late brother guitar, but no tune out of it, as empty as my heart and my mind. yes, maybe it's time for me to give up my dreams and my hopes about us being one once again for ever. like a child whom hide from his grieve, runaway and hiding for awhile. but i choose to hide forever...

note: last night was quite a long conversation for us. that time i was strong enough to letting you go, but this morning i'm broken in tears even for the jokes you've sent me by sms. i put this post so for me is a break of my heart and so for you is a farewell.

(while i'm listening to the tune of Solitude, performed by Nigel Kennedy from The Players -compilation album-)