my wild iris

lament for a friend continue...
once, i've found a wild iris, on my journey thru life. it's was december that year. i watch you grow wild, narrow spiky green leaves with blue-violet petals on bloom. you're wild, you're free. there's no fence, there's no wall that seal you. in the floor of rock layered with lichens, shaded by bark of tree you survive thru all this time. i see the beauty of your bloom, blue-violet petals arranged so well by God. the beauty captures and mesmerizes me, leaving my burdens behind.

one day i've found that one of your leaves is scratched, wounded by nature. maybe a being came across you, without realize it hurts you. but as your nature goes, you keep growing wild, despite the wounds in your leaves. i do nothing but to look after you each time i had time, each time i come to see you. to see how you are doing in the wild, how you grow your bloom thru mist of the forest edge. my feeling never change, although your beauty are broken, but you are my beautiful wild iris, as the first time i see you.

kado

hari ini adalah hari ulang tahunku. sebuah perjalanan yang cukup panjang bagi seorang anak laki-laki, yang tidak pernah membayangkan betapa tahun bergulir begitu cepat. masih teringat masa kecil, seperti baru berlalu beberapa tahun yang lalu. hari ini merupakan kado yang khusus dari Tuhan, sebuah hari baru yang menggenapi usiaku.
terima kasih Tuhan.

lament for a friend

the poignancy of things, a purple flower
the blossoms of spring, and the light snow of winter, how they fall...

the beauty of nature, a green leaf and, autumn colours...

the voice of the wind, the song of birds
a sad sea, a joyful sea, mountains, pebbles, a wild iris...

(taken from translation of Sumiregusa © 2005 Enya in Amarantine album)

a poor me

i may not have a mansion, i haven't any land
not even a paper dollar to crinkle in my hand
but i can show you morning on a thousand hills
and kiss you and give you seven daffodils

i do not have a fortune to buy you pretty things
but i can weave you moonbeams for necklaces and rings
and i can show you morning on a thousand hills
and kiss you and give you seven daffodils

o. seven golden daffodils, all shining in the sun
to light our way to evening, when our day is done
and i will give you music, and a crust of bread
(and) a pillow of piny boughs to rest your head

(lyric from Seven Golden Daffodils by The Brothers Four)

the bamboo adobe

竹    里    館
zhu li guan

獨    坐    幽    篁    裡
du zuo you huang li
彈    琴    復    長    嘯
tan(dan) qin fu chang xiao
深    林    人    不    知
shen lin ren bu zhi
明    月    來    相    照
ming yue lai xiang zhao

王    維
Wang Wei

love story

where do i begin to tell the story, of how great a love can be
the sweet love story that is older than the sea, the simple truth about the love she brings to me
where do i start

with her first hello, she gave a meaning to this empty world of mine
there'd never be another love another time, she came into my life and made the living fine
she fills my heart

       she fills my heart, with very special things, with angel songs, with wild imaginings
       she fills my soul with so much love, that any where i go, i'm never lonely
       with her along who could be lonely, i reach for her hand. it’s always there

:: by request ::

How Do I Live
version by Trisha Yearwood (OST Con Air)

how do i, get through the night without you
if i had to live without you, what kind of life would that be
oh, i.. i need you in my arms, need you to hold
you're my world, my heart, my soul, if you ever leave
baby you would take away everything good in my life

       and tell me now, how do i live without you
       i want to know, how do i breathe without you
       if you ever go, how do i ever, ever survive..

i love you

and i love you so, the people ask me how
how i've lived 'til now, i tell them i don't know

i guess they understand, how lonely life has been
but life began again, the day you took my hand

       and yes i know, how lonely life can be
       the shadows follow me, and the night won't set me free
       but i don't let the evening get me down
       now that you're around me..

and you love me too, your thoughts are just for me
you set my spirit free, i'm happy that you do

the book of life is brief, and once a page is read
all but life is dead, that is my belief

(lyric taken from song titled And I Love You So, sung by Perry Como)

a prayer (in latin)

pater noster, qui es in caelis
santificetur nomen tuum
adveniat regnum tuum
fiat voluntas tua, sicut in caelo et in terra
panem nostrum quotidianum¹ da nobis hodie
et dimitte nobis debita nostra,
sicut et nos dimittimus debitoribus nostris
et ne nos inducas in tentationem
sed liberanos a malo
quita tuum est regnum et potestas, et gloria in saecula ... amen

¹another version uses supersubstantialem in place of quotidianum; quotidianum is also sometimes spelled cotidianum

i'll fight

(amami ooshima dialect) shiwaja shiwaja itokuri shiwaja yoi

an eye for an eye, will only make this world go blind
another lie for a lie, we'll be wiping out mankind

will you be ready?
(amami ooshima dialect) ennuo kiriri musu ranoya
will you be ready?
(amami ooshima dialect) ahuu yuu uri yoi

in misery i cried, but in pain i'll grow stronger
now as life sometimes unfair to me, i'll make it fairer
i'll fight for obstacles; i'll stand tall against the storm
i'll fight for the only love i know

(excerpt taken from Will You Be Ready in Essence Of The Forest, Deep Forest's compilation album)

freedom

(spoken hungarian language, song about a man singing in jail, wish to be free)

úgy hallgatja (j)az eso suhanását, engedjék el nem rig (rég) látó (látott) urá(hoz)
korán reggel feltekintek az égre, kényes bugyli, (a) komisz kinyírt (kenyeret) levágják
boci baja az is itt lett elvág(va)..., korán reggel feltekinték az égre, mé(g), kisangyalom!

úgy hallgatja az eso suhanását, engedjék el nem rig (rég) látó (látott) urá(hoz)
korán reggel feltekintek az égre, van egy madár, aki elhordja majd, mé(g), kisangyalom

bele vagyok elevenen temetve, elevenen, sárgulok is, de nagyon,
anyus, majd megírom, hogy mikor szabadulok, még, kisangyalom

in between

it's hard to find the balance when you are in love
you're lost in the middle cause you have to decide between mind & heart

it's hard to find the balance neither when i'm not in love
i'm just lost in the middle cause i have to decide between heart & mind

(excerpt taken from Between Mind And Heart by Enigma on The Screen Behind The Mirror album)

our world...

i hear a baby crying.. a sad sound, a lonely sound..
i want to take her in my arms and then i’ll dry away all her tears
i see a boy who’s frightened, a young boy with cold eyes
i long to say you’re welcome here, you can be happy now that you’re home

       we’re all a part of one world, we all can share the same dream
       and if you just reach out to me then you will find deep down inside
       i’m just like you..

loud voices raised in anger, speak harsh words, such cruel words
why do they speak so selfishly when we have got so much we can share

someday

for my little 'big' brother Willy, this song if for you..
we share our prayer that life will be fairer to us (altho each day is a gift from God)

someday.. when we are wiser.. when the world's older.. when we have learned..
i pray.. someday we may yet live.. to live and let live..
someday.. life will be fairer.. need will be rarer.. and greed will not pay..
God speed.. this bright millennium.. on its way.. let it come.. someday..
someday.. our fight will be won then.. we'll stand in the sun then.. that bright afternoon..
'till then.. on days when the sun is gone.. we'll hang on.. if we wish upon the moon..

       there are some days dark and bitter, seems we haven't got a prayer,
       but a prayer for something better, is the one thing we all share..

langitku

aku terbangun karena bale tempat tidurku berguncang, aku sudah terbiasa.
pagi sudah menjelang, matahari belum muncul dari peraduannya.
bunyi KRL yang menderu-deru selalu membangkunkanku pada jam yang sama.
memang tak jauh dari petakan tempat aku tinggal, ada stasiun kereta singgahan.
setelah antri dan mandi di MCK tempat aku dan teman-teman biasa berbagi,
kami pun bermain-main di depan petakan rumah kami, tapi langit begitu teduh.

stasiun yang di sana sudah ramai dengan keriuhan penumpang yang campur baur.
hari sudah bergulir, matahari kan sudah terbit dari sejak kami mandi tadi.
aku menengadah ke belakangku, mencoba menatap langit dari tempatku berpijak.
ternyata yang kulihat bukan langit, tapi gedung tinggi yang menjulang,
walau jauh, tapi tinggi dan sinar matahari pagiku terhalang olehnya,
tempat tinggal mahal bagi orang-orang yang katanya lebih kaya dari keluargaku.

pilgrim (traveller)

pilgrim, how you journey on the road you chose, to find out why the winds die and where the stories go
all days come from one day that much you must know, you cannot change what's over but only where you go

one way leads to diamonds, one way leads to gold, another leads you only to everything you're told
in your heart you wonder which of these is true, the road that leads to nowhere, the road that leads to you

will you find the answer in all you say and do? will you find the answer in you?

each heart is a pilgrim, each one wants to know, the reason why the winds die and where the stories go
pilgrim, in your journey you may travel far, for pilgrim, it's a long way to find out who you are
pilgrim, it's a long way to find out who you are.. pilgrim, it's a long way to find out who you are..

(lyric from Pilgrim by Enya on A Day Without Rain album)

the end - II

last night was the time that my solitaire game is over as result that i find a dead end and there's no other move that can be done to continue this game. instead of starting a new game right away, i choose to silent, to review all the moves i've make. there's some mistakes that can be undone anymore i guess. well, this game is quite like life its own, only travel forward, but can be undone sometimes while life doesn't can be undone even for a few minutes back. once i make a wrong move, which lead me to another possibility, that's the way i must take for the rest of life. now i make another mistake by pushing you too hard, asking about how i wish that we can be together for once again, i'm asking for another chance and possibility. i guess, somehow i'm making your feeling even worse about me. and when you say that you would take another move by making a distance between us to make its easier for me to letting you go, forgetting about wishing for another chance and carry on. and for you, so you can carry on your life without burdened with my feeling about you anymore. i just make my silent; my heart and mind are fighting about how right this way is for me. maybe by this distance we have, i'll forget about my feeling to you and carry on to another one. it's just a maybe, because still deep inside

the end

continued from game of solitaire
time, there was a time, you could talk to me without speaking
you would look at me and i'd know all there was to know
days i think of you and remember the lies we told in the night

the love we knew, the things we shared when our hearts were beating together..

days that were so few full of love and you
gone, the days are gone now, days that seem so wrong now
life won't be the same without you to hold again in my arms to ease the pain
and remember when our love was a reason for living

days that were so few full of love and you.. the game is over..

(lyric from The Game Is Over by John Denver)

fated

those tiny flowers of yellowish white bloom with its petals and leaves colorized the ground.
where did it come from? why did its grown solitaire in this land?
the stems are fragile and soft drifted by the dessert wind.
but they are fighting, struggle to life. why?
did they know that people are ignored them?
in this other side of land, where land isn't as friendly as they look to be,
while people crush them by their footsteps, they still bloom.
fated to born from a tiny seed, they are smiling to this world.
day is passing by, the flowers change to fruits.
now there are many more seeds to give away.
a seed to start a new life, a new struggle to survive, but they survive!
why not me?

* archive from May 2001.

cinta = air

"seperti rusa rindu sungaiMu.. jiwaku rindu Engkau..."

rusa adalah salah satu jenis hewan yang selalu diasosiasikan dengan sumber air tawar, karena rusa merupakan hewan yang hidup berkelompok dalam jumlah yang kecil tidak jauh dari mata air. mereka akan selalu mencari mata air yang ada apabila kelompoknya bermigrasi dari tempat ke tempat yang lain.
dalam sepenggal lirik di atas, rusa merindukan sumber air seperti seorang manusia yang rindu akan hadirat Tuhan dalam hidupnya. karena itulah rusa diperlambangkan seperti diatas karena pada dasarnya manusia tidak akan dapat terpisah dari Tuhan sebagai pencipta yang Maha Kuasa, sama seperti rusa yang tidak terpisahkan dari mata air.

seperti halnya cinta, sebuah kata yang masih menjadi tanda tanya bagi banyak orang termasuk aku. ini menjadi salah satu inspirasi dalam hidupku selama ini. cinta dalam banyak literatur menggambarkan hal yang indah atau

a prayer

our Father.. which arts in heaven..
hallowed be Thy name..
Thy kingdom come.. Thy will be done
on earth as it is in heaven
give us this day.. our daily bread..
and forgive us.. our debts as we forgive our debtors..
and lead us not.. into temptation..
but deliver us from evil..
for Thy is the kingdom, and the power and the glory forever... amen.

journey of love

seed of love, where does it come from.
from the highest mountain? or from deepest ocean?
from the wisdom of a wise man? or from the mouth of a dumb?
no, it came from you and me.
inside our hearts, there is a tree of love.
sometime in some people it grows wild, in other it grows tiny.
the wild bares fruits like it never die, like the tree grow in the riverside.
the tiny one bares only one or two in times, small fruits.
but they live, deep inside our hearts.

in times the fruits will fall from its tree and spread their seeds to our hearts.
in time, the seed will try to find a heart to grow with.

spring

now is the early of the spring season, where the trees and bushes are leafy again
the snows is a past now, flows by the river in the mountainside to the sea
small colourful flowers came up from the branches, among the drips of the melted snows
each drip flashes the warm spring sunlight, creating view of spangles stars in tree leaves
seeds and nuts, they turning into the young trees, open up their soft leaves to celebrate the sunlight
white petals of apple blossom now showing from branch, decorated the branch with warm white
newly spring wind breezes slowly, bringing the odour throughout its path
Salmon fish are returning to their resting river from the big sea
jumping and swims harder against river's streams, just to bare their eggs and die
a sacrifice for survival or just the way it should be?

* part 4 of Summer-Fall-Winter-Spring (Story Of The Mountain), archieve from March 2002.

winter

those days of golden has passes away, the season is changing
snows start falling down from the skies, sowed by the winds cover the ground
pieces of crystallized water reflecting the sunlight with the cold of white
a soft white blanket covers branches of tree; could they live through these cold days?
squirrels are sleeping now in their tree hole while the foxes still chasing rabbit at the thick snows.
something changes but others doesn't, it was a call of nature
day of light is fading quickly, along with the howling of white wolf
snow owl stand on the branch with its big eyes, watching the land go to sleep
frozen rivers didn't sound its stream anymore, forgot to sing a lullaby to the land
moon and stars decorate the winter's sky with its pale white light; "goodnight my land"

* part 3 of Summer-Fall-Winter-Spring (Story Of The Mountain), archieve from March 2002.

fall

then season changes, winds blowing a whispering sound
carrying echoes of the mountain and voices of swaying leaves
maple leaves shaded to red and gold falls to decorate the ground
the yellow sunlight reflected by the leaves, changing the land into a golden land
drift away by the river stream, the flower of pine tree cast on the riverside
squirrels running on ground here and there, looking for the nuts that fall from tree
bringing them to hole of home for the season will change to sleep
apple and cherry trees fallen their greens, leaving their dark branches bare naked in winds
will their beautiful white flowers bloom in cold?
where the butterflies lay their eggs for the leaves are gone?

* part 2 of Summer-Fall-Winter-Spring (Story Of The Mountain), archieve from March 2002.

summer

a Scarlet Tanager hopping on the branches of conifers tree, looking for the fruits
sing along with the sounds of river, streaming from the high to mountainside
the sunlight shines from the sky, passing canopies to meet the ground
creating shadows of trees to shade the land
rabbits playing in grass of green with those jumping feet's
furred in dark given by the earth to hides beyond the ground
at the other side of view, there lays a small field of sunflowers
raising the petals high from the ground to meet the sun
the berries bush bare their flowers, colour up the evergreen leaves
invites the bees, cuddle by the winds making a song of nature

* part 1 of Summer-Fall-Winter-Spring (Story Of The Mountain), archieve from March 2002.

24

01 - jangan tertarik kepada seseorang karena parasnya, sebab keelokan paras dapat menyesatkan. jangan pula tertarik kepada kekayaannya karena kekayaan dapat musnah. tertariklah kepada seseorang yang dapat membuatmu tersenyum, karena hanya senyum yang dapat membuat hari-hari yang gelap menjadi cerah. semoga kamu menemukan orang seperti itu.

02 - ada saat-saat dalam hidup ketika kamu sangat merindukan seseorang sehingga ingin hati menjemputnya dari alam mimpi dan memeluknya dalam alam nyata. semoga kamu memimpikan orang seperti itu.

03 - bermimpilah tentang apa yang ingin kamu impikan, pergilah ke tempat-tempat kamu ingin pergi. jadilah seperti yang kamu inginkan, karena kamu hanya memiliki satu kehidupan dan satu kesempatan untuk melakukan hal-hal yang ingin kamu lakukan.

a note

i don't know what to say
i don't know what to do
i can't promise you anything
i can only imagine if this is from God
the way will be easy.

i can imagine how hard the way we will go.
i can't imagine how can we pass it.
but you have the brave heart to challenge it.
i can only say thanks.

and now i give this ring to you to say thank you.
that you have chosen the difficult way with me.
although you can choose the easier way with another.
and it is mean to start our difficult life to be one.

thank you.

* from a friend years ago, about how marriage is a sacrifice from both side.

it's called life

life didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but did promised strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way.

disappointments are like road humps, they slow you down a bit but you enjoy the smooth road afterwards. don't stay on the humps too long. move on!

when you feel down because you didn't get what you want, just sit tight and be happy, because life waiting for something better to give you.

when something happens to you, good or bad, consider what it means.
there's a purpose to life's events, to teach you how to laugh more or not to cry too hard.

seasons of the heart

of course we have our differences, we shouldn't be surprise
it is natural of changes in the seasons at the skies
sometimes we blow together sometimes we drift apart
a wiser man and i might know the seasons of the heart
and i'm walking here beside you in the early evening chill
a thing we always love to do i know we always will
we have so much in common so many things we share
and i can't believe my heart within implies when you not there

     love is why i came here in the first place, love is now the reason i must go
     love is all i ever hope to find here, love is still the only dream i know..

(...music bridge...)

a view of nature

scene #1
i hear the sound of river streams, following the path of rocks to meet the sea
pine trees grow wild and high, reaching the heaven with their branches
seeds of pine leave their fruits, riding the whispering wind
revolving with their fragile wing, spreading the scent of pine oil in the air
the rain from heaven, the ray of the sun, the love of mother nature
helping the small seed grow into a new tree, born to conquer the land

scene #2
i see a chrysalis of emperor butterfly, their black and ugly cocoon
hanging in the branch, covered by the tree leaves from their enemies
it is end of summertime to spring, butterfly try to emerge from his cocoon
trying so hard to see this world, to break out with their paper wings
i wonder why god so hard on this fragile butterfly, somehow it's make it
and now it's free, free to breathe and free to fly, free to live...

* archieve from January 2003

solitude

as the night fall to late night and the moon rise higher over the horizon, we start a conversation. it just another talk as usual, starts with laughter and then i ask you about your plan in future. i might not a good joker after all to you since we've been together as lover. not the same person that makes you laughs and laughs over since our beginning as friend. but i guess you don't mind anyway, because it not just about me that we talk about, but it's your plan in the future and mine. we talk over and once a while we laugh for a small joke. while we talk i always try to show you that i'm tough to overcome my sadness about us being separated not as lover anymore but friend. (well, at least last night i was stronger, but it fades in this morning as i wrote down these lines). i want to break down and cry but all i wish to do is to be a man that shows his strength to carry on life, although as for me life is ended as soon as our relationship is done. since i've realize and since we've talk about our plan and future to go, it seems that we didn't in the same track of life. that plan although broken and that dream might not ever become true didn't hurt me the most but about what did you said, that maybe our time and place has come that we must choose each of our own way separate. i'm not realizing that our

no words...

this few past post has no words on it, just lyrics of song. there’s nothing i can say or write for the moment. for a while i’m losing my words and i don’t know until when i could pour out those feeling inside, for you and may be for others too. and i want to thank you for all those time that makes me learn and teach me about true love.

where is it?

i’m looking for that lonely street. i’ve got a sad, sad tale to tell
i need a place to go and weep. where’s this place called lonely street?

a place where there’s just loneliness. where dim lights bring forgetfulness
where broken dreams and mem’ries meet. where’s this place called lonely street?

     perhaps upon that lonely street. there’s someone such as i
     who came to bury broken dreams. and watch an old love die

if i could find that lonely street. where dim lights bring forgetfulness
where broken dreams and mem’ries meet. where’s this place called lonely street?

(lyrics from Lonely Street, song by Andy Williams)

game of solitaire

there was a man.. a lonely man.. who lost his love.. through his indifference..
a heart that cared.. that went unshared.. until it died.. within his silence..

*and solitaire’s the only game in town.. and every road that takes him, takes him down
and by himself it’s easy to pretend.. he’ll never love again..

**and keeping to himself, he plays the game.. without her love, it always ends the same
while life goes on around him everywhere.. he’s playing solitaire..

a little hope.. goes up in smoke.. just how it goes.. goes without saying..
there was a man.. a lonely man.. who would command.. the hand he’s playing

a game of solitaire, played by one person, now is played by me.

(lyrics from Solitaire, song by Carpenters and other singers)

kita sama...

tersebut sebuah hari, sebuah malam di mana sebuah percakapan terjalin
antara dua anak manusia, yang memang secara tidak sengaja
berbagi cerita tentang diri dan asa, membuka kembali ingatan-ingatan lama
meskipun waktu berlalu tanpa terasa, tapi setiap kejadian meninggalkan tanda
kisah di masa muda, masa di mana segala sesuatunya bermula
aku memulai dengan bahagia, dengan banyak kenangan dalam masa
kamu memulai dengan bahagia, dengan banyak kenangan dalam masa
hanya saja banyak penggalan cerita masaku yang hilang
langkah demi langkah kita jajaki, dari sanalah umur terucap
menelusuri jalan hidup, dengan segala warna dan rasa yang ada
sekarang... masa lalu itu tetaplah masa lalu, kisah hidup hanya sebuah kisah
masa depan selalu ada di depan, karena itulah masa lalu tidak dapat mengejar

to reach

to dream the impossible dream, to fight the unbeatable foe
to bear with unbearable sorrow, to run where the brave dare not go
to right the unrightable wrong, to love pure and chaste from afar
to try when your arms are too weary, to reach the unreachable star

     this is my quest to follow that star, no matter how hopeless, no matter how far
     to fight for the right without question or pause, to be willing to march into hell for a heavenly cause
     and i know if i'll only be true, to this glorious quest
     that my heart will lie peaceful and calm when i'm laid to my rest

and the world will be better for this, that one man scorned and covered with scars
still strove with his last ounce of courage, to reach the unreachable star....

hopes

» dorothy thompson:
courage, it would seem, is nothing less than the power to overcome danger, misfortune, fear, injustice, while continuing to affirm inwardly that life with all its sorrows is good; that everything is meaningful even if in a sense beyond our understanding; and that there is always tomorrow.

» allan k. chalmers:
the grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for.

» martin luther king, jr.:
if you lose hope, somehow you lose the vitality that keeps life moving, you lose that courage to be, that quality that helps you go on in spite of it all. (the trumpet of conscience)

aku tidak sendiri...

malam seperti mengejarku, setiap pagi kulalui seperti tak ada pagi,
siang pun berlalu tanpa terasa.
sekarang yang ada hanya sepi, tak ada lagi canda atau percakapan,
bahkan jangkrikpun tertidur.
aku masih terjaga, sendiri... dalam lamunanku, terbayang masa lalu,
masa-masa riang dan sedih.
kutanyakan pada mereka, merekapun berbagi cerita tentang diri,
tentang siapa dan masa lalu.
adikku* seperti cerminan diri, temanku* berbagi kisah yang sama,
aku tidak sendiri...

terima kasih Tuhan karena aku tidak sendiri dalam dunia ini,
terima kasih karena aku masih diberi kesempatan untuk belajar,
belajar untuk mengerti akan arti hidup yang Engkau anugrahkan ini.
....
* posting ini aku dedikasikan untuk adik(angkat) dan temanku yang menemaniku di malam menjelang pagi ini.

i ask about love

sambungan dari (perhaps) love is
lirik lagu Perhaps Love ini mengingatkan aku kembali apa cinta itu untukku.
pertama kali aku mendengar lagu ini, adalah pada saat aku sedang dalam kebimbangan. aku tidak mengerti pada saat itu, mengapa cinta bukan sesuatu yang sempurna -seperti yang aku bayangkan dan harapkan di masa lalu- melainkan cinta itu berubah-ubah dengan seiring waktu dan umurku yang menua. mungkin definisi apa cinta itu terlalu ekstrim pada bagian-bagian tertentu, tapi yang paling aku suka dari lagu ini adalah bahwa cinta itu adalah keterbukaan dan akan menunjukkan aku apa adanya. aku hanya perlu menjadi diriku untuk mencintai dan dicintai. selama masa aku mengenal kata cinta, aku menemukan bahwa mencintai lebih sulit daripada dicintai. aku menemukan banyak sekali cacat dan kekuranganku dalam mencintai seseorang. mungkin karena pada dasarnya aku tidak benar-benar mengerti apa arti cinta bagi orang lain. mungkin karena aku terlalu bersikukuh akan cinta itu seperti apa dalam diriku, sehingga aku hanya akan menyakiti orang yang aku cintai. selama ini, itulah yang terjadi.

like a sad song

usually in the morning i'm filled with sweet belonging and everything is beautiful to see.
even when it's raining, the sound of heaven singing is simply joyful music to me.
but sometimes i feel like a sad song, like i'm all alone without you.

so many different places, a million smiling faces, life is so incredible to me.
especially to be near you and how it is to touch you, oh, paradise was made for you and me.
sometimes i feel like a sad song, like i'm all alone without you.

i know that life goes on just perfectly and everything is just the way that it should be.
still there are times when my heart feels like breaking and anywhere is where i'd rather be.

oh, and in the nighttime, i know that it's the right time to hold you close and say i love you so.
to have someone to share with and someone i can care with and that is why i wanted you to know.
sometimes i feel like a sad song, like i'm all alone without you, without you.

(a song titled Like A Sad Song by John Denver)

just - for you

just a look in your eyes again, just to lay in your arms
just to be the first one always there for you, just to live in your laughter
just to sing in your heart, just to be everyone of your dreams come true

just to sit by your window, just to touch in the night
just to offer a prayer each day for you, just to long for your kisses
just to dream of your sighs, just to know that i’d give my life for you

     for you for the rest of my life
     for you all the best of my life
     for you alone, only for you

(perhaps) love is

perhaps love is like a resting place, a shelter from the storm
it exists to give you comfort, it is there to keep you warm
and in those times of trouble, when you are most alone
the memory of love will bring you home

perhaps love is like a window, perhaps an open door
it invites you to come closer, it wants to show you more
and even if you lose yourself, and don't know what to do
the memory of love will see you through

     love to some is like a cloud, to some as strong as steel
     for some a way of living, for some a way to feel

...fate or tale?

sambungan dari a foretelling...
saat pertama kali membaca 'ramalan' ini, aku terkejut dengan banyaknya persamaan dengan apa yg aku rasakan dan jalani sekarang. meskipun tidak 100% sama tapi aku tahu kamu juga bisa 'membaca' bagaimana aku selama ini. aku sendiri tidak mengerti, apakah ini benar-benar sebuah 'ramalan' belaka atau ini memang sudah 'takdir'ku?...

selama ini seperti yang sering kita bahas, aku tidak bisa menerima 'takdir' begitu saja. karena pada dasarnya aku hanya percaya pada konsekuensi dari pilihan yang aku ambil atau keputusan yang aku buat. aku hanya tahu kalau segala sesuatu perlu diperjuangkan, tidak ada yang datang begitu saja buatku. aku tahu akan adanya 'berkat' dari Tuhan dalam keseharianku. bagaimana dengan apa yang aku alami selama ini? apa ini karena pekerjaan Tuhan dalam 'nasib' atau konsekuensi yang harus aku jalani karena suatu keputusan di masa lalu?

a foretelling...

sebuah ramalan (berdasarkan penjumlahan dari angka kelahiran) menyatakan bahwa aku:

• sifat-sifat utama mereka yang angka garis hidupnya 9 adalah rasa kasih pada sesama dan sikap yang sangat humanis. ini adalah misi yang harus anda pelajari dalam hidup. biasanya angka ini menghasilkan individu yang sangat dipercaya dan pribadi terhormat, juga seorang individu yang tidak punya sifat rasialis dalam bentuk apapun.
• tentu saja, semua ini terlihat seperti daftar sifat yang terlalu sempurna, tapi anda memang seseorang yang berperasaan peka bagi mereka yang kurang beruntung dibandingkan diri anda. dan jika anda ada dalam posisi yang bisa membantu, akan anda lakukan. anda sangat peka dan memandang sekitar diri anda dengan rasa kasih.
• anda dengan angka garis hidup yang tertinggi ini berada pada posisi kehidupan yang tinggi dan dengan sendirinya mempunyai banyak tanggung jawab. tujuan hidup garis hidup 9 ini bersifat filosofis. hakim, pemimpin spiritual, penyembuh dan pendidik, seringkali mempunyai energi 9 ini.

batas - manusia

sambungan dari batas
seorang teman mengajarkan aku, bahwa tidak ada manusia yang sempurna
aku lupa, karena aku selalu mengharapkan kamu (menjadi) sempurna
seorang teman juga mengatakan kepadaku, jangan hidup dalam mimpi
aku lupa, karena bermimpi membuatku (merasa) mampu menghadapi hari esok

aku manusia dengan begitu banyak keterbatasan dan kekurangan
tapi aku bisa dan sudah menjalani lajur kehidupan yang panjang hingga kini
jadi kekurangan bukanlah penghalang, mungkin sebagai batu loncatan
untuk aku belajar dan mengerti dan menerima akan arti hidup ini

bahagiakah kita?

sambungan dari bahagia (tanpa syarat)
mungkinkah kita bahagia tanpa adanya cita (tujuan)?
mungkinkah kita bahagia tanpa berharap apa-apa darinya?
mungkinkah kita bahagia tanpa mengerti ke arah mana?
mungkinkah kita bahagia tanpa kepastian?
mungkinkah kita bahagia? apakah kamu bahagia? ...

bahagia - tanpa syarat

seseorang pernah berkata kepadaku, kita jalani saja apa adanya hidup ini.
apapun yang terjadi di hari esok ya biarlah terjadi, kita cuma manusia.
manusia yang percaya bahwa takdir Tuhan itu ada.
mungkin Tuhan sudah menggariskan apa yang harus kita jalani sekarang.
kalau memang ada perpisahan ya berarti kebersamaan kita hanya sampai sebatas itu.

kamu bilang tidak adil buatku, dalam kebersamaan tapi tidak berbagi mimpi yang sama.
aku berharap hari esok seperti ini, sedangkan hari esok buat kamu bukanlah itu.
mimpiku berbeda dari mimpimu, dalam asa juga beda. mengapa kita harus berbeda?
bukankah kita hidup dengan begitu banyak pilihan?
kenapa tidak kita pilih jalan bersama? bukankah itu membuat kita bahagia?

a perspective - III

the first time when i arrived at home, a whispering words of cakep from neighbor come to my ears. all i do is smile, not because i'm felt i'm good looking since i don't know the meaning of that word (now i do, and thanking people whom said that). :-) lifestyle in jakarta does changes me a lot in my way of thinking. i have lots of friends from school. and i quite active in school extra curriculum and activities. i found that friendship does simpler in here. maybe it caused by our age and we were young child. with them, i learn how to tease other, making jokes, learn my first bad words, and learn how to demand and about sharing with others.

time passing by us, i'm in middle school now. in here i've found my first group of friends, since there are some gaps between students to other. a genit teacher, a hard way teacher, a cuek one, and there's many more of teacher habit and style that i can describe in my school. i have friends that in those times when we are in one class, we compete in class's rank; who's the number one out of four. well, i quite miss those times.

a perspective - II

now i'm arrived at jakarta; leaving my hometown, following my parents as they settle down in here. the first time i'm stepping out from plane is the heat wave of jakarta greets me with the feeling of burnt in my face. along with the journey to home, all i can tell is jakarta so very jam-packed (the first time i added 'macet' in my dictionary) compares to my hometown. sighs....
oh, i'm almost forgetting. the first time and i wish i could turn back to that time, is (when i'm at the schoolyard back in my hometown) i saw the sun's halo¹ shape as a ring of rainbow in a perfect clear sky without burns my eyes out. that were the first time i believe there is a powerful force beyond my imagination and sight. i believe the existence of God that day.
....
¹ a halo is a ring of light surrounding the sun or moon. most halos appear as bright white rings but in some instances, the dispersion of light as it passes through ice crystals found in upper level cirrus clouds can cause a halo to have color.. (http://ww2010.atmos.uiuc.edu/(Gh)/guides/mtr/opt/ice/halo/22.rxml)

batas

kulihat dirimu terus berlari walau impian telah terbang tinggi
tak henti coba kau raih, tak sadar dirimu yang tak bersayap

kebebasan manusia tuk bermimpi, melayang ke angkasa tak henti
namun harus terus membumi, kemampuan kita telah dibatasi

   namun kita bisa melangkah, tiap bagian dilewati, bekalilah diri

     kejarlah mimpimu, karena hidup tuk menggapainya
     kan kau sadari nanti saat tiba waktunya tak mampu lagi kau raih
     itulah batasmu..

ada saat tuk harus berhenti, tataplah sejenak cermin diri
haruskah terus mengejar atau kau cari mimpi yang lain

(©2005, Batasmu dari album Langkahku - Bram)

thank you

trouble i brings, sorrow i cause; but you still there.
i'm keep asking why you have to do those things. you said: "because you are in my responsibility since the time we are one. don't you worries and troubled, as life is for us to learn". i decided to take this song out and presented to you, thank you for those time when i'm make mistakes and you still there for taking care of me with patient and loves. thank you so much...

when i'm less than i should be, when i just can't face the day;
when darkness falls around me, and i just can't find my way.
when my eyes don't clearly see, and i stumble through it all,
you i lean upon, you keep me strong, and you rise me when i fall.

a perspective - I

once upon a time when i was young, i love my solitude in life. i love when i sit alone in the dark room, while other kids wouldn't dare. realize that i have my own world and my own time makes me could stay for hours in that room. i think it was a brave thing to do, i don't afraid of darkness and ghosts. all i wish to found is a light; i wish i found it in the dark. where as we know, light would be radiance in dark even it was a small light such as candle light. i can't tell even now, what kind of 'light' that i wish to found. it might be just as a game that i had played once, a game of 'i wish it come true'.

i turn into a boy, whom learns about -a hard life- in school time. i might have an ugly look and a poor brain, so nothing but trouble do i get. in class, i'm almost the only one whom had a bad scoring all semester. from months to year, years to age. i guess i'm quite lucky to pass to upper grade with this condition. but i had a friend to accompany me in punishment, by standing in front of the class standing one leg up and one hand reaching the opposite ear thru head. well i guess it wouldn't hard to go on. but in free -break time- between

mencari jati diri

aku tidak tahu aku ini siapa, aku tidak ingat kapan aku lahir
aku tidak mengenal keluargaku atau tahu asal usulku, aku hanya sebatang kara di sini
tapi sekarang aku sudah beranjak dewasa, aku tidak kecil lagi
aku sudah berhasil dalam hidupku, tapi aku masih tidak tahu jati diriku
ada yang bilang aku mirip dengan si A, ada yang bilang aku koq mirip si M
tapi menurutku aku lebih mirip dengan si G, tapi kebenarannya aku tidak tahu
adakah orang yang bisa mengenaliku, siapa aku sebenarnya?!?
mungkinkah aku ini jenis pohon mangga yang lain??

(A·Arumanis - M·Manalagi - G·Gedong - sebuah kisah tentang pohon mangga tua di pekarangan rumahku, karena tidak ada yang tahu pohon mangga jenis apa dia itu. kasihan, sungguh kasihan.)

angin... #2 - part deux

matahari semakin tinggi seiring waktu yang berlalu.
aku masih terduduk, kali ini aku duduk di kursi,
bermalas-malasan dengan ditemani tiupan angin yang setia.
masih terasa sejuk, masih membunyikan gemerisik dedaunan,
di pelataran rumah yang berhiaskan bulatan-bulatan cahaya,
cahaya matahari yang dibiaskan melewati dedaunan.
alangkah teduhnya aku saat ini (ternyata baru pukul 10.10 siang)
arrrgghhhhh, aku lupa! harusnya aku cuci baju, mumpung panas!     ..LOL..

angin... #2

ketika pagi ini saat aku duduk di pintu rumahku;
bersandar pada kusen menghadap ke pelataran luar,
angin bertiup...
kupandang gumpalan awan-awan putih yang berarak-arak di langit biru,
bergerak menuju satu arah mata angin.
aku bisa merasakannya, merasakan terpaan dan sapaan angin diwajahku.
"selamat pagi alam...", sapaku.
sinar matahari juga berbalas menyapaku,
membersitkan cahayanya melewati rimbunan dedaunan pohon yang bergemerisik,
seperti gemuruh ombak kecil di pantai saat angin bertandang di antaranya.

what a peaceful morning i might say.

sudah lama sekali sejak terakhir kali aku menikmati pagi di hari libur,
seandainya aku bisa menikmati pagi seperti ini esok hari... :)

untitled

the moon is gloomy shining, faded by thin grey clouds. tonight, the night seems so hard, hard on my weary heart. when i stare again to the sky, the moon has shifting to another point. another hour has passed me by while i’m sitting here restless in my mind. thinking of you and about me, about our days and times, it seems it wasn’t ours anyway. it just another game of choices in life, another play, and whom wins or loose i don’t know.
the mirabilis jalapa flowers bloom in front of me, showing white petal dotted with red. sometimes i just forgot how simple life can be, nothing new in life, just another turn of time. everything goes on theirs own way with rules and pattern of life. tonight the flowers delight in fragrance, by morning the bloom will fade away by sunrise. just like as i live today and die by tomorrow. but the flowers will keep on blooming. sigh... well, sometimes i just take some things too hard while the flowers don’t.

ode to my brother #1½

lay down your head, and i'll sing you a lullaby-
back to the years, of loo-li lai-lay;
and i'll sing you to sleep... and i'll sing you tomorrow...
bless you with love, for the road that you go. ...

in memory of my brother 1977 - 2004
as the tunes of this song played, i write down these lines imagining that i’m at your side at your last moments. it’s quite hard to wrote down some of the -never exists- feelings about you. i still remember the memories of our childhood and your smiling faces with your laughers. although we spent our times with quite many -among brothers- fights, with jealousy, pride, tears, pain, joy, and many more in so many moments, my heart cracked to cry when i saw you lying down. now i can’t hear any of your calling for me, or when i heard you laughter when some jokes open up in the air.

ode to my brother #1

lay down your head, and i'll sing you a lullaby-
back to the years, of loo-li lai-lay;
and i'll sing you to sleep... and i'll sing you tomorrow...
bless you with love, for the road that you go.

i dedicated this song for my younger brother whom passed away. by his last hours, i wasn't there for him. watching him lying down without words and sounds, without breath and soul on the other day, breaks my spirit, because all that left is regrets. may this song accompany you in your sleep and never to worries about tomorrow anymore... may you rest in your peace...

(portion of lyric © 2005, Sleepsong by Secret Garden in Earthsongs album)

half a world away

you're half a world away,
standing next to me;
it seems that everyday,
i'm losing you almost invisibly;
though you are near,
i can't reach that far,
across to where you are,
and so you stay...
just half a world away.

the first time i've hear this song, i was in love with it. first the music that somehow brings me to my dream and second, the additional lyrics as another composition of it. it reminds me of you. so i can't put another words to say but this song. it show how much i miss you.

(portion of lyric © 2005, Half A World Away by Secret Garden in Earthsongs album)

angin

angin berlari tanpa arah,
     membentur dinding dan berlari lagi tanpa lelah
menerpaku dalam lamunan,
     tidak menyapa dan berlalu begitu saja
melewati dedaunan pohon dan semak,
     tapi tidak menitipkan kata-kata
lalu kembali dan memelukku dengan dingin,
     tanpa kehangatan yang biasanya
mengapa malam ini begitu tidak bernyawa?          i miss u...

14 Maret 2005 23:13

the promise

the roads quite now, the city is resting
the breeze slowly whispering in the air
in the shadowed room we hold each other's hand
promising to each of our heart
that we'll be together ever since
.......................
tonight i promise
that i will always love you one and true
that i will take a good care of you
that i will be true to you no matter what
tonight, still i'm holding on the promise

dedicated to you, as remembrance of my promise to you. i still love you...

(inspired by a music titled The Promise, performed by Secret Garden from the album Once In A Red Moon)

dialog sebuah hati

.......
aku: "aku sayang dia dan aku takut kehilangan dia..."
aku: "ya. kamu harus mengerti, kalau hubungan kalian tidak direstui"
aku: "tapi aku sayang, sayang sekali sama dia, aku cinta dia"
aku: "apa kamu mengerti batasan-batasan dalam hubungan kalian?"
aku: "aku mengerti kalau kami tidak mungkin menjadi satu dalam ikatan cinta ini"
aku: "kamu ingat apa yang kamu katakan saat kamu memutuskan untuk mencintai dia?"
aku: "aku pernah bertanya kepada dia, apa saja yang dia harapkan dari aku"
aku: "dan kamu ingat apa jawabnya?"
aku: "ingat. dia bilang semuanya terserah aku, mau ke arah mana hubungan kami ini"
aku: "jadi apa keputusan kamu waktu dia berkata itu?"
aku: "aku berharap bisa membawa hubungan kami ke arah yang benar bukan saja baik"

antara kita ada dia (antara aku dan Tuhan)

hari ini, di kamar-ku aku sendiri
telanjang di depan mata-mu yang menatap tajam
tak ada tempat untuk aku bersembunyi
tak ada kain untuk menutup malu-ku
tak ada topeng untuk menutup wajah-ku

engkau tidak berkata dan diam dalam tatap
aku galau dalam salah dan lalai-ku
aku ingin berbohong tapi jujur yang ku-katakan
aku ingin membantah tapi bisu menjadi teman
tak berdaya dalam tatap-mu